QUOTE(LancerInspired @ Apr 9 2008, 11:01 AM) 
er.... can somebody tell me about 'Italian chandelier'... 
see the google search box just above this topic? go and use it....
Full Version: 18SX Jokes Thread
see the google search box just above this topic? go and use it....
QUOTE(terion @ Apr 9 2008, 11:06 AM)
see the google search box just above this topic? go and use it....
wheelbarrow less calories than doggy??? really meh? 
oh the Italian chandelier! man... that is worse than gym class. and you could hurt yourself too!!
QUOTE
when the man is on the bottom and the woman is on top. both are facing upward, and the girl pushes up with her hands. rumour is it is a very calorie burning sex position.
QUOTE(ZeN @ Apr 9 2008, 11:32 AM)
wheelbarrow less calories than doggy??? really meh?
maybe this is from the guy's point of view?
Porn Star Registration
QUOTE(freddie @ Apr 9 2008, 11:43 AM)
oh the Italian chandelier! man... that is worse than gym class. and you could hurt yourself too!!
love the figurine example
Freddie... you are the man! haha.. always so resourceful 
QUOTE(LancerInspired @ Apr 9 2008, 05:54 PM)
Freddie... you are the man! haha.. always so resourceful
maybe someone should start giving classes and you should enroll...
Putting Your Affairs In Order
A woman went to her doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news.
You have inoperable cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, Daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've
been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their
condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told yourfriends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."
That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order......"
A woman went to her doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news.
You have inoperable cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, Daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've
been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their
condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told yourfriends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."
That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order......"
Directing porn
hahaha... didnt know they have cardboard for script. 
QUOTE
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".
QUOTE
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'". Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
A few months later he headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex'". Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
QUOTE
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!".
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!".
QUOTE
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus... an old lady who looks as if she is about to die. An old friend who once saved your life. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
- You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
- Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
- However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
HOWEVER, the correct answer is: Leave the old bag to fend for herself, have sex with the hot b**** on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
- You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
- Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
- However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
HOWEVER, the correct answer is: Leave the old bag to fend for herself, have sex with the hot b**** on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
QUOTE
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's big shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
"Didn't you say, to the Policeman at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the solicitor. Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move".
"However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes".
"Then he came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling? Now what the f*** would you say?"
"Didn't you say, to the Policeman at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the solicitor. Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move".
"However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes".
"Then he came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling? Now what the f*** would you say?"
QUOTE
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor - she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor - she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
QUOTE
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
QUOTE
The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes bitching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and notices Little Johnny f**king a goat in the yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son! He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the yard!" "The little c***! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.
QUOTE
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "I opened a can of peas instead."
QUOTE
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow a nd asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different k inds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow a nd asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different k inds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck but not ur wife..
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist beach?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as a substitute for meat.
A. After five years your job will still suck but not ur wife..
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist beach?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as a substitute for meat.
good one freddie... and vicky i hope all those were not true stories...
No idea, but not surprised that such can happen.
Got this from my ex-colleague.....
This is a funny one!!
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found. Sometimes things just don't always come out the way you want them to...
Click to view attachment
This is a funny one!!
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found. Sometimes things just don't always come out the way you want them to...
Click to view attachment
reading this while photocopying... oopps, now my PEN IS stuck..
dont tell me it actually happened to your ex-colleague.
One macho guy was in Danok, Thailand looking for some fun... he saw an signage which says "2-CxxDxx Service"; and he thought " wah, this is super safe or something... lets go! "
So he went up to the motel & ordered the "2-CxxDxx Service", once in a pitch black room, he heard a girlish voice "sir, u wanted the 2-CxxDxx Service?", "Yes, baby" he replied. Then came the other deeper voice " come right on sir, take off ur pants & 1 for u 1 for me!! "
So he went up to the motel & ordered the "2-CxxDxx Service", once in a pitch black room, he heard a girlish voice "sir, u wanted the 2-CxxDxx Service?", "Yes, baby" he replied. Then came the other deeper voice " come right on sir, take off ur pants & 1 for u 1 for me!! "
if you happen to go over to thailand and catch a "tiger show", please enjoy it.
and at the end of the show, simple yell out, "where's the tiger?" and you'll get a refund.
and at the end of the show, simple yell out, "where's the tiger?" and you'll get a refund.
it's Thai Girl Show right???
i dunno. havent watch before. but according to my friends, it's kinda disgusting.
it's more like a circus. they perform different things using the lower part of the bodies, and live sex show too.
it's more like a circus. they perform different things using the lower part of the bodies, and live sex show too.
A day in reverend's life.......
QUOTE(freddie @ May 4 2008, 01:58 PM)
i dunno. havent watch before. but according to my friends, it's kinda disgusting.
it's more like a circus. they perform different things using the lower part of the bodies, and live sex show too.
it's more like a circus. they perform different things using the lower part of the bodies, and live sex show too.
"tiger shows" in Thailand are disgusting and demeaning to women. I've watched them with my wife; imagine inserting many shaving blades in a woman's private parts; or watching a live sex show.
It wasn't "interesting" to me AT ALL; I went there bcoz I was curious but I ended up having a really bad feeling....
got this from Vicky... boys, pls line up?
QUOTE
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you so late getting home?" they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." "What did you watch?' asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." The robot stood motionless.
"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you so late getting home?" they asked.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." "What did you watch?' asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." The robot stood motionless.
"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
QUOTE
A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tyre on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tyre and for her just to wait there.
"Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked, "How's about you get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tyre." The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him.
"Hey, shit head, I told you to get over here and change this tyre or I'm going to kick your ass." The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass and make you change that tyre. Then while I screw your woman I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand."
Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?" "Nah, he wasn't so tough," said the guy. "Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"
"Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked, "How's about you get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tyre." The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him.
"Hey, shit head, I told you to get over here and change this tyre or I'm going to kick your ass." The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass and make you change that tyre. Then while I screw your woman I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand."
Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?" "Nah, he wasn't so tough," said the guy. "Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"
QUOTE
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen'. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen'".
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen'. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen'".
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week!"
QUOTE
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no..." he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him" she whispered... "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room".
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no..." he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him" she whispered... "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room".
1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!
Naughty Nuns...hehe
Bus load of nuns die in crash an go to heaven. St peter asks the 1st nun have u ever had contact with a penis? She says i touched one with my finger. St peter says dip it in holy water. He then asks next nun, i fondled one, put your hand in holy water, he said. Suddenly there's a commotion, a nun has pushed to the front, st peter asks whats up? If i'm going to gargle that holy water i want to do it before sister Ann sticks her arse in it!!
Bus load of nuns die in crash an go to heaven. St peter asks the 1st nun have u ever had contact with a penis? She says i touched one with my finger. St peter says dip it in holy water. He then asks next nun, i fondled one, put your hand in holy water, he said. Suddenly there's a commotion, a nun has pushed to the front, st peter asks whats up? If i'm going to gargle that holy water i want to do it before sister Ann sticks her arse in it!!
QUOTE
Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners prizes for playing a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. Here's how it all went down:
DJ: Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.
DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wifes name? First only please.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.
DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.
Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...
DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...
DJ: Uh huh...
Brian: ...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
DJ: Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we? (Touch tones... ringing...)
Clerk: Kinkos.
DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of Mate Match?
Sarah: No.
DJ: Good!
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.
DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?
Sarah: Oh God, Brian... uh, this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sarah: Around 8 this morning.
DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?
Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?
Sarah: Well...
DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?
Sarah: Up the arse...
Dead silence. Hysterical laughter. Cut to commercial. It's unknown if Brian and Sarah won.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. Here's how it all went down:
DJ: Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.
DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wifes name? First only please.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.
DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.
Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...
DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...
DJ: Uh huh...
Brian: ...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
DJ: Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we? (Touch tones... ringing...)
Clerk: Kinkos.
DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of Mate Match?
Sarah: No.
DJ: Good!
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.
DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?
Sarah: Oh God, Brian... uh, this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sarah: Around 8 this morning.
DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?
Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?
Sarah: Well...
DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?
Sarah: Up the arse...
Dead silence. Hysterical laughter. Cut to commercial. It's unknown if Brian and Sarah won.
QUOTE
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have confession to make I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods"."Tiger Woods... the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" ask the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this f**king hole!"
The wife continues, "I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods"."Tiger Woods... the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" ask the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this f**king hole!"
QUOTE
A muscular body builder type is walking along the beach, when he happens upon a woman with no arms or legs lying in the sand. She looks up at him imploringly and says, "Please sir can you help me, I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed."" Feeling sorry for her he leans down and gives her a kiss.
She then says, "I hate to put you out, but I've never had a man touch my breasts." He's a little repulsed but, being a good sort and not wanting to hurt her feelings, he begins to stroke and caress her breasts.
After a few minutes of this she whispers in his ear, "You know, I've never been f**ked." So he picks her up, throws her as far into the sea as he can and shouts, "You are now!"
She then says, "I hate to put you out, but I've never had a man touch my breasts." He's a little repulsed but, being a good sort and not wanting to hurt her feelings, he begins to stroke and caress her breasts.
After a few minutes of this she whispers in his ear, "You know, I've never been f**ked." So he picks her up, throws her as far into the sea as he can and shouts, "You are now!"
QUOTE
Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your p***y with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off!" she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right! He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all!" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your p***y with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off!" she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right! He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all!" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
QUOTE
Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said,
"Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"? Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter!
She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"
When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." "Man", Boudreaux said, "it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"
"Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"? Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter!
She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"
When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." "Man", Boudreaux said, "it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"
What About Blow Jobs?
haha...that guy got music talent though.
Casual Sex Friday
wish i worked in a company that has this policy...lol
wish i worked in a company that has this policy...lol
hahaha... you sure? the FSG is watching.
I can't believe this works!
Just type in the phone number and you get the location of that person!
Try it!
http://www.track-your-partner.com/
Just type in the phone number and you get the location of that person!
Try it!
http://www.track-your-partner.com/
QUOTE(alxand_mitsubishi @ May 31 2008, 07:36 AM)
I can't believe this works!
Just type in the phone number and you get the location of that person!
Try it!
http://www.track-your-partner.com/
Just type in the phone number and you get the location of that person!
Try it!
http://www.track-your-partner.com/
celaka...i thought what type of new tech....
haha, 1st i tot really, until the last part, haha
Q :What do call a lesbian that sticks out her tongue?
A : She's having a hard-on.
A : She's having a hard-on.
sorry maddy, removed ur post since u can't post photos of genitals here even though its an 18XS thread.
Its ok bro, my bad...
QUOTE
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do. Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?". She replied, "Because I really miss mine."
QUOTE
A mother took her young daughter to an art museum. They came across a statue of a naked man. The daughter pointed to its penis and asked, "What's that?" The mother said, "That's something boys have and girls don't." Her daughter said, "But I want one." Wanting to end the conversation as quickly as possible, the mother said, "Well, if you're a good girl you'll get one when you grow up." Her daughter asked, "And what if I'm bad?" A security guard who overheard the conversation mumbled, "Then you'll get lots of them!"
Guys, it is a slow day and I am really not in the mood to work because of the coming CNY holidays. So I decided to post this "mou lei tou" (translation : nonsense) joke. Some of you may have read it before.
CAUTION : FEMALE MEMBERS - YOU READ THIS JOKE AT YOUR OWN RISK. PLEASE DO NOT PROCEED BEYOND THIS POINT IF X-RATED JOKES IS NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA.
A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
She asked,"Boy. What is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"
Madam had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office. While the boy waited in the outer office, Madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
> Boy.: "9".
> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
> Boy.: "36".
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
> The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
> "I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade."
>
> Madam says to the principal,
> "I have some of my own questions.
> Can I ask him?"
> The principal and the boy both agreed.
>
> Madam asks,
> "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
> Boy, after a moment,
> "Legs."
> Madam:
> "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
> Boy.:
> "Pockets."
> Madam:
> What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
> Boy.:
> Coconut ;
> Madam:
> What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
> The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
> The boy was taking charge.
> Boy.:
> Bubble-gum.
> Madam:
> What does a man do standing up,
> A woman does sitting down
> And
> A dog does on three legs?
> The Principal's eyes open really wide
> And
> Before, he could stop the answer...
> Boy.:
> Shake hands.
> Madam:
> A finger goes in me.
> You fiddle with me when you're bored.
> The best man always has me first.
> Boy.:
> Wedding Ring.
> Madam:
> I come in many sizes.
> When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, You feel good.
> Boy.:
> Nose.
> Madam:
> I have a stiff shaft.
> My tip penetrates.
> I come with a quiver..
> Boy.:
> Arrow.
> Madam:
> What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
> That means lot of heat and excitement?
> Boy.:
> Fire-truck.
> Madam:
> What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get it, you have to use your hand.
> Boy.:
> Fork.
> Madam:
> What is it that all men have one of,
> it's longer on some men than on others,
> The Pope doesn't use his and
> A man gives it to his wife after they're married?
> Boy.:
> SURNAME.
> Madam:
> What part of the man has no bone
> But has muscles,
> Has lots of veins,
> Like pumping,
> &
> Is responsible for making love ?
> Boy.:
> HEART.
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief
> And
> Said to the teacher,
> "Send this Boy to grade 5,
> I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".
CAUTION : FEMALE MEMBERS - YOU READ THIS JOKE AT YOUR OWN RISK. PLEASE DO NOT PROCEED BEYOND THIS POINT IF X-RATED JOKES IS NOT YOUR CUP OF TEA.
A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.
She asked,"Boy. What is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!"
Madam had enough.
She took the boy to the Principal's office. While the boy waited in the outer office, Madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
> Boy.: "9".
> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
> Boy.: "36".
> And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.
> The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
> "I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade."
>
> Madam says to the principal,
> "I have some of my own questions.
> Can I ask him?"
> The principal and the boy both agreed.
>
> Madam asks,
> "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"?
> Boy, after a moment,
> "Legs."
> Madam:
> "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
> Boy.:
> "Pockets."
> Madam:
> What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
> Boy.:
> Coconut ;
> Madam:
> What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
> The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
> The boy was taking charge.
> Boy.:
> Bubble-gum.
> Madam:
> What does a man do standing up,
> A woman does sitting down
> And
> A dog does on three legs?
> The Principal's eyes open really wide
> And
> Before, he could stop the answer...
> Boy.:
> Shake hands.
> Madam:
> A finger goes in me.
> You fiddle with me when you're bored.
> The best man always has me first.
> Boy.:
> Wedding Ring.
> Madam:
> I come in many sizes.
> When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, You feel good.
> Boy.:
> Nose.
> Madam:
> I have a stiff shaft.
> My tip penetrates.
> I come with a quiver..
> Boy.:
> Arrow.
> Madam:
> What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
> That means lot of heat and excitement?
> Boy.:
> Fire-truck.
> Madam:
> What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get it, you have to use your hand.
> Boy.:
> Fork.
> Madam:
> What is it that all men have one of,
> it's longer on some men than on others,
> The Pope doesn't use his and
> A man gives it to his wife after they're married?
> Boy.:
> SURNAME.
> Madam:
> What part of the man has no bone
> But has muscles,
> Has lots of veins,
> Like pumping,
> &
> Is responsible for making love ?
> Boy.:
> HEART.
> The principal breathed a sigh of relief
> And
> Said to the teacher,
> "Send this Boy to grade 5,
> I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".
I think we already have such a thread here... but stopped already... coz everyone prolly tired of sex...
Funny....
QUOTE(delarizax @ Feb 4 2009, 12:53 PM)
Funny....
Hahaha... good one bro delarizax...
I watch that movie before about hitler from the view point of his secretary last time in Ireland.
Subject : An American's Lament
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week.
At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush board Air Force One for one last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America 's military had deteriorated under Bush.
Every last one of them missed.
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week.
At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush board Air Force One for one last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America 's military had deteriorated under Bush.
Every last one of them missed.
QUOTE(KenWong @ Feb 11 2009, 07:04 PM)
Subject : An American's Lament
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week.
At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush board Air Force One for one last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America 's military had deteriorated under Bush.
Every last one of them missed.
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week.
At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush board Air Force One for one last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America 's military had deteriorated under Bush.
Every last one of them missed.
LOL, that's funny... can't find "Bush" :)
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