Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! WAIT A MINUTE! That's my bloody neighbour in there with her! HE'S NAKED TOO!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate for you - one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d**k off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'.

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already ?"

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf... of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO SHIT!? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies!?!"

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me a compliment!" He replies, "You have perfect eyesight!"

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?" Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.... " Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. "Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewellery!"

Terion,

“18SX Jokes Thread, since im bored...”

I am very surprised to hear this, you got nice apartment, great car, liberal job, pretty wife (princess some more). Since you more into “18SX”, have you seen marriage counselor?
Ha! Ha! Haaaag.

Height of bravery:
A naked man bending over to pick up a dollar on an island of gays?

Height of sophistication
Sucking n****** with a straw?

Height of technology
Condom with zip?

Height of darkness
A negro searching for his p**** in a coal mine?

Height of penetration
A baby girl born pregnant?

Height of fashion
A female applying lipsticks to her vaginal lips?
Baggy condoms
Zip on a lungee

Height of patience
A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping for banana to fall in
her p****?

Height of coincidence
And the banana falling in?

Height of unemployment
A cobweb in a prostitute's c***

Height of noise
Two skeletons fucking in a tin room

Height of comparison
Pissing in front of niagra falls?.

Heights of heights
Shitting on top of Mt. Everest and raising it by two inches?

Height of innocence
A girl applying cream on her n****** assuming them to be pimples?
A pregnant woman buying one and a half tickets?

Height of irritation
A one handed guy hanging from a cliff, and his balls itching?

A priest was getting ready to hear confessions one day when he got a terrible attack of diarrhea, so he asked the altar boy to take over for him.

"But I don’t know how to hear confessions," said the altar boy.

"It’s easy," said the priest, "You’ve seen me do it many times. Nobody will know the difference."

So the altar boy was in the confession booth when a man came in and sat down on the other side.

"Father, I don’t know what to do," the man said. "Last night my wife and I were in bed. She was sleeping and I rolled her over and fucked her in the ass. I feel bad about it, but I don’t know how to make it up to her."

"That’s easy," said the altar boy. "Just give her milk & cookies like the priest gives me."

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.


As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back ... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are a few people who do ....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
word... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your
nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished ... To
my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up
to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine
her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for
all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a
business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE
KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Diane E. Amov

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any ... a true
story ... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only
did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing
so hard!

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?" "Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

For his birthday little Matty asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but we've got a $500k mortgage on the house and your mother just lost her job. There's just no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Matty told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $500k mortgage and no fucking bike!"

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

A young man calls on his new girl for a first date. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate!, Mum was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching the match."

http://www.malaysiandreamgirl.tv/top12.html

not dreamgirls.tv

nope, haha, just wat i heard over the radio red fm i think when they promo this reality show... if original dreamgirls then we got in dvd liao...

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room
with his younger brother who is only 9 years old. One night, he decides
to
bring his girlfriend home for
a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little
brother is already asleep on the lower
bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his
little brother is sleeping
below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it
harder and "tomato" if she wants a
new position.


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!


She screams.


Lettuce!!!


Tomato!!!





Whoa!!!


PULL IT OUT!!!


PULL IT OUT NOW!!!


I can't get pregnant!


Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise


all over my face!*!*!*!*!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was…

God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

TERRORRISTS

2 terrorists are planning to blow up a building. They take 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.
One asks the other, ‘What happens if the bombs blast off now?’
The other says, ‘Don’t worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat.’

NO DIFFERENCE

When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Celeste got a little scared. “It’ll be my first baby,” she confessed with a blush, “and actually I don’t know the first thing about how babies are delivered.”

“Don’t worry about a thing,” reassured the doctor. “It’s really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place.”

Startled, Celeste exclaimed, “You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?”

READ THE SIGNS:

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a Non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On Maternity Room door: “Push, Push, Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

Outside a Hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

At an Auto Body Shop: “May we have the next dents?”

In a Dry Cleaner’s Emporium: “Drop your pants here.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

On a Music Teacher’s door: “Out Chopin.”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

On the side of a Garbage Truck: “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.”

On the door of a Computer Store: “Out for a quick byte.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a Bowling Alley: “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.

LOST MY WIFE

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S&M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S&M magazine and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

"Ya know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In St Andrews there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Killarney, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman & Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "but it did happen to me sister."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed, "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow ,"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse... ALONE."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time... bring POSSE!!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 only on one condition..."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house."

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have a carport, and not need one."

"I mean, what are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her."

"Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white."

"Why do you want this divorce?" "She is going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?" "I got proof."

"What kind of proof?" "She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: Polish Remover".

A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, "Mum I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says, "well, p***y and bitch". She says "Oh that's no big deal, p***y is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mum and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mum with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him... "p***y and bitch".

Dad says, "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle, is p***y." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Everything outside that circle!"

Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Fred sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting them on as best he could each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Fred woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Fred said, "Why you say such a mean thing!?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror...!!"

i'm mixture of both...

The Day the P. Niss asked for a Raise

I, the P***s, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,

The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed your assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

username?

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.'' Shocked the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about what he just said. A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?"

A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'F**k you?'" The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'F**k you.'" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam!

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tyre, on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they all thought in their separate rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge. "She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary! Have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead!"

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ‘til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. One day, when he was out in the field, his wife brought him lunch. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat.

Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. Whenever a woman mourner approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent that the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

After the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, slim, redheaded woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes...

After a few days they meet again...

The engaged girlfriend "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 centimetre stilettos and mask. He saw me he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'. Then we made love all night long".

The mistress "Ah! Me too! The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything... but we still had wild sex all night".

The married one "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes... my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Alright Batman, what's for dinner?"

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories


POSITIONS:

Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories


ORGASMS:

Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories


POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories


GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories

Results may vary!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!